I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
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