I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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