I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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