i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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