I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
