Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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