"it" just moved
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
