His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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