Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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