if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
This toilet bowl is my home.
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