I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
