So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
