Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
