don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
