I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
