Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
