Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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