so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
