i wish peter jackson would direct porn
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I didn't notice because vodka
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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