and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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