It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
