I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
