Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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