I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
