She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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