My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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