I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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