Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
well I can't set my house on fire every night
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
