Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
