not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
