It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
