I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
My vagina just recognized that song.
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Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
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I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize