I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
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I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
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I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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