I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
