so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
