i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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