The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Randomize
