When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
