this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
