insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
so let's talk penis.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
