I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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