this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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