i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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