HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
