I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
