My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
