it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
