I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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