The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
