I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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