i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
