Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
