dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
