Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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