did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
