Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
my liver is dry heaving
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
