what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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