Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
